This is the story of how I built a bridge within my mind that helped me walk out of hell and find a heaven right in front of me. The day I could not function the way I was in my life became the day I surrendered. I had nothing else. As I walked through my days and listened to the promises that a God of my understanding talked about in the Bible and in the Twelve Step Program, my life began to change. I had no hope for the longest time and would look at the foot in front of me to get through my days in the beginning. When I accepted that this is right where I am suppose to be in my life, I began to wonder “Why”? All the resentments of where I had been and all the misery of who I was would not let me rest for even a moment. I would go days without sleep and still wasn’t’ sure if I just wanted to live or die. As I began to reflect back on who I was and where that left me for today, I began to seek for the promises that so many people around me talked about. Then the day came when the prayer I created to try and find this thing called hope appeared in a painting. I was on my hands and knees reading my prayer in a painting that I thought I had made up in my mind when I realized nothing was at all what I thought. I slept in a twilight state that night and woke to a presence that covered the air. As I walked my dog the next morning, it felt like someone was watching me. A voice that was above me walked with me and told me to begin writing as much as possible. I knew that things felt different in my mind and I had to do something with all these thoughts. So I started writing and equations of thoughts and emotions began to spill onto the paper. I even broke down emotions and thoughts into steps and defined them. I was working the Twelve Step Program at the time and was analyzing my entire life. As I wrote every day, a flood gate opened up and I wrote about things I did not understand. I would study what I wrote and compared the words to other’s viewpoints.
As I worked the Twelve Step Program, I gradually saw all the promises of this program come into my life. The courage and the strength lit a fire inside of me to share this knowledge with others. As I wrote, worked the Twelve Steps and studied the world around me, I realized that I am a piece of something else that I may not be able to see or understand, but I know it is there watching and guiding me all the time. Now as I progressed with these type of thoughts, I began to hear about the angels and demons that are noted in the Bible. I began to realize that something that I didn’t understand was in my thoughts. I could write things and not know what I was writing all day. If I stopped writing and went back to it later, I could pick up right where I left off with and finish writing the information that poured out of my mind. The words I wrote baffled me. I had a Catechist instructor and an author who wrote several books on the Bible look at my writings. They told me that my writings were found in the Bible. Why was I writing about things in the Bible? How was I doing this as I did not know anything about the Bible?
I could not figure out how angels and demons fit into the equation for the longest time. As I prayed and studied, one day I wrote “The Battle” and my perspective of what and where our thoughts come from changed forever more. As I learned about a war that is talked about in the Bible between God and Satan, I began to study the book of Enoch and other writings with references of what these fallen angels are and why they will never be able to return to what some of us call heaven. It took me several months to put it into my mind that there are entities that enter our thoughts and can control us based upon what level of awareness we hold inside. I was one of those people that allowed my thoughts to control me for many years. As I became more aware of what was going on in my mind, I realized that there is a battle right inside of my thoughts. Even on the days I was capable of feeling good about myself, thoughts would seep in to remind me of all the things I have done wrong in my life and I would spiral down into the feeling of worthlessness within seconds of these thoughts entering my mind. As I began to separate these thoughts and as I learned about angels, I began to see that if I asked for help from the God of my understanding, I could maintain positive thoughts for longer periods of time. Then the day came when I was capable of maintaining a feeling of love all day as I worked the steps in the Twelve Steps. As I wrote every day, knowledge started to pour into my mind of what love is and what fear is and how angels inspire and how demons destroy. As I began to appreciate how powerful our thoughts are, I began to gain the knowledge that if I am full of fear, negative thoughts emerge into my mind.
I counsel people who have attempted suicide, who have addictions, who are dying and who just feel they have no purpose in this life. As I complied all my experiences with patients and in my personal life, I realized that there is something at work on our planet that a lot of us are not aware of and we have allowed our thoughts to control us. As I defined love and fear based thoughts, I began to place the angels and demons into the equation. Many suicide attempts that I have counseled over the years have told me that they did not want to hurt their self and that the thought “just came to me”.
As I started gaining control over my thoughts, my life began to change. I began to gain the knowledge of why everything in my life unfolded the way it did and why I experience such turmoil in my mind. All the promises from the Twelve Step Program were coming true for me. I began to release the resentments and began to understand that the experiences that resulted in those resentments were to help bring me to another level of awareness. It all is relevant and has a purpose for my growth. As I released the negative thoughts, knowledge poured into me faster than I could comprehend. My world became a playground and I could not wait to see what the God of my understanding had for me every moment of everyday. I began to notice that my world responded to me based upon my level of excitement. As I watched the people around me that were still in turmoil within their mind, I began to see their fears had even emerged into physical ailments. I began to look at fear from a different perspective and questioned if the God of my understanding did not hold fear and is only full of love, then where does this fear come from? Then the day came when I received the knowledge that the fallen angels are real and they come into our thoughts to create illusions of our world. Their goal is to keep us from finding love so we do not connect with the inner peace that leads us into a greater understanding of what God is inside of us. I recall the day I came to this understanding as I saw fruit bats, butterflies, dragon flies, parakeets and vouchers swarm around me on my patio. I heard a voice inside of me say, “They know I know”. I didn’t know what that meant at the time and said it over and over that entire day. I now understand as I know that it is my responsibility to share what I have learned.
We are at war within our thoughts that come from a world very few of us have been given the knowledge to understand. We are not alone and angels and demons are real. Some of us choose to ignore them and do not even realize we are being controlled by an unseen world. Slowly, as those of us who are tired of being tired wake up, we will begin to realize that we are in a battle for our life on this planet. The unseen world is emerging into our reality moment by moment. Once we are aware of this world within our mind, we cannot go back to sleep. Because our planet is so unbalanced, the suicide rate continues to rise as many of us loose this battle. My hope is that those of you who see me as someone who has lived the hell and knows the demons inside, will see that we do not have to suffer any longer. There is Something Greater at work in our life calling to us for the change that is coming. We can choose to pretend that it is not there and look the other way as everything around us falls apart or we can begin sifting through our thoughts and taking control of what we want and what we do not want inside of our mind. As we take control, we will then be able to help others learn how to do the same. It all starts inside of each and every one of us. “Seek and ye shall find” (Matthew 7:7).
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