I continue to write every day and I am in the process of making the changes for the gallery that holds the text for the body of the book. I planned on having all the changes completed by this past weekend. Unfortunately, I received news this past Friday that delayed my plans. I will be going through surgery on August 26th at 9:30am with the hopes that what is removed is not cancer "again". This experience has brought me to a new place within my thoughts as to why I feel as though I am going in circles. It is nothing like when I had a double mastectomy but it brings back all those old feelings. Part of me is struggling with the whole thought of death and why I am faced with possible cancer yet again. All the anxiety that was finally gone after two years since my last scare slowly seeps into my thoughts. I go back and forth within my mind as I remind myself that I am experiencing all this for spiritual growth. Why do I have to experience such fear that my body may have to go through chemotherapy and radiation again? How do I keep the faith in Something Greater that I write about every day? I tell myself that I am faced with this experience because it is leading me to a greater connection in my relationship with the God of my understanding.
I have decided to write my thoughts down every day as I go through this procedure and how it affects me as a result. Today I have been sad. Yesterday felt like a dream. Saturday I worked and was so busy with preparing for school with my daughter that I didn’t have time to think about it. Friday, August 15, was when I was told that I needed to have two spots removed from the same area that I had the cancer back in 2010. The difference this time is that God is in my life and the hope and faith of what is promised as long as I allow God to take over my decisions brings me a purpose in all this mess. I am taking only the day this time and not worrying about “what if”. I am not shutting the door on the past nor having any regrets. I am reminding myself that I am right where I am supposed to be. Acceptance brings me to a peace inside as I fight with the anxiety of the terrible word called “Cancer”.
This time I
can talk about what I am thinking and I am reaching out to others. I am asking
for help instead of sitting in the darkness of my thoughts. So here I sit
needing to rest for tomorrow that will be filled with patients who are faced
with death and dying and I think about death and what it means to me. Tomorrow
will come and I will be different yet the surgery date will be there in the
back of my mind. I will get up and pray and dedicate a part of my morning to
write for Something Greater and I will go through another day with the intentions
to help others in any way that I can. I will seek for answers within every
waking moment and the stranger that smiles as passing by me may be the one sign
that I will need to get through that moment.
Today I
start a different story about me and my journey through yet another experience
with cancer. I will let you know tomorrow night what I was blessed with
learning as I go through my day with this new information that is also old in
my life.
“The first of fear will then be gone and the
first will then be the last. The love
will be the last of all the fear you had at first.” The Box by Lisa Hynes
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