The Darkness of Uncertainty

My thoughts shine bright like the afternoon sun with shadows of despair as Tuesday’s surgery looms in the distance. I see myself walking onward with glimpses of my faith that sparkle as the butterfly that passes by. The shadows of dread cover parts of my path today as I prepare for what lies before me. Regardless of the outcome of this surgery, I will be forever changed. If it is not cancer, I will be making new promises to the God of my understanding regarding the care I give to my body (or lack thereof) as I find a new appreciation for who I am in human form.

Do I dare to think that I may have to make the decision to go through chemotherapy yet again? Either path I look towards on this journey as I prepare for Tuesday, I ensure that I carry the necessities. I feel numb as I take yet another trip into the thoughts of cancer in my mind. I have my faith that I carry with me at all times. This faith is the light that I shine into the darkness that lies all around me. I have freewill to stand in this light or to move into the darkness of uncertainty that shadows my faith.

I have freewill to develop any sort of relationship I choose with the source of all creation. My God lets me grow any way I choose. As I stand at the crossroad with my faith shining brightly, I look towards both roads with one leading towards cancer and I know that whichever path I travel on Tuesday, I am not alone this time.

I am forever changed because my God is there all around me shining through the darkness of uncertainty. I look at the edges of the darkness and see my fear as the way to gain strength to move forward because of the darkness. There is nothing else to do but keep moving on and I choose to view the crossroad of this realization as the next step on my spiritual journey in my attempts to develop the highest level of awareness I can find while in human form on my path towards love.

“The thoughts that lead you to this path of fear will trail all the way back to a time when you had no knowledge of how to fight against the fear. You experienced the fear from the beginning to find the part inside of you that can grow into a love that is ever evolving in your life.  How can you know the love without knowing what it is not?”—The Sword and the Shield 

The Horse of Serenity

Today I fight with my thoughts and it is taking great effort to look inside myself for meaning. It is like a battle in my mind with all my fears at the forefront trying to conquer what little serenity I have. It is as if a force is trying to break my faith that is dark and full of anger. As I muster up the thoughts of who I am because of my faith, slowly the serenity comes into view. It gallops out into the sun where my faith lies and it holds the sword of honesty and the shield of hope and faith as it battles with the darkness that lies inside of me.

The sword of honesty cuts through the anger that I hold because of my past and because of my up-coming surgery. It shows me the greater good of this thing called life. The serenity gallops onward like the grace of a horse that rides away after the battle has been won. I stand in the middle of the battlefield looking in awe at what this horse of serenity is doing for me. The sword of honesty cuts through all the pain and anguish that now lies at my feet. The shield of hope and faith is now in my hand shining proudly for all to see.

The darkness curls up in the corner of my mind waiting for the opportunity to seep into my soul and take the spark of life I have found to turn it into a storm that rages inside of me. I look towards the God of my understanding who promises to give me the wisdom to know what I can change and the courage to carry those thoughts for change out into action. As long as I remind myself that all I do is for my Creator, the protection surrounds me to do just that for today only.

I see this horse of serenity galloping around me all in white and the rider is an extension of my God that forms into an image that I can understand. The rider is the spirit of God that leads me into a place within my thoughts that sparkles with all the faith that I can find today.

As I stand in the middle of the battlefield, all the regrets and all the thoughts of not being worthy enough lie around this field reflecting back to me as the parts that are dying and have no life left inside of me. I breathe in the air and stand with my hands outstretched towards the sky. The spirit swirls around me in the wind and as I breathe, the horse of serenity becomes a part of me.

This graceful white horse of serenity gallops around me to ensure that all my dying regrets and thoughts of worthlessness that lie on the battlefield in my mind do not affect this feeling of peace that now consumes me.

The rider on the horse of serenity holds the sword of honesty that cuts through any thoughts that try to touch the peace that I have found. As I stand with my arms outstretched to the sky with the shield of hope and faith that shine in the sunlight of my path, I know that this part of me can never be taken away by anyone because my God promises me that I am never alone even in my thoughts.

“With good intensions as you seek for love, the pain of yesterday turns into strength and courage for today.  There will come a day when you will understand how all this pain brought you to a level within your mind that you no longer need to suffer with your thoughts.”—The Shield of Love by Lisa Hynes

 

 

No Where Else Will Do

I woke up knowing that my thoughts can make or break me today. I know that if I think thoughts that lead me to an idea that this surgery will result in finding out I have cancer, I will make myself sick. I choose to think that everything will be “fine” and my responsibility in all this is to stay positive.

My thoughts are pulled into my past and all that brought me here. My regrets are turning into the strength of who I am because of them. The God of my understanding is a healing God full of love and patience. As the darkness tries to crawl into my soul, my Creator brings me love to make all new with light, love and healing. The awareness of this moment swirls around me with the air that blends the spirit behind my thoughts. I try to take all doubts and turn them into the knowledge of how my thoughts make my reality. The healing begins inside my thoughts and I want to be the one to say my faith in my God healed me and I will not have sickness any more.

I remind myself that if I ask, I will receive what lies behind my intensions. I know my intensions are to allow the God of my understanding into my life and “Thy will be done”. I am empty without God and I never want to feel that experience again. I am here with my past that blends into who I am and I look towards my future with anticipation of what my God is leading me towards.

I reach out at every moment to serve my God in whatever way I can show my faithfulness. There is no room in my thoughts for anything else and my belief in this takes the spirit and intertwines it with my soul for the feeling that spreads throughout my body. I am nothing without Something Greater and I seek every waking moment to find something that reflects the language my Creator speaks to me in a way that I can understand.

Life feels like a riddle some days and today had many riddles to study on my search for answers. At the end of the day, I looked at my actions and knew that I gave my best in all affairs I was blessed to be a part of. I am right where Something Greater wants me to be and nowhere else will do.

“The spirit of love will bring you one type of feeling and thought while the spirit of fear will bring you another.  You will go back and forth with thoughts and feelings trying to decide who you are and you will find that you are right where you are and nothing more.”--  Right Where You Are by Lisa Hynes

To Make the Moment New

Today there is a stillness in the air all around me. I remind myself that the spirit lies between my thoughts and emotions and I see a see-saw in my mind. How do I balance the thoughts and feelings that make me question why I am here at this moment? Which way do I go today in my mind? I go back to the times when I didn’t believe in anything except what I could see in front of me. The lack of my awareness at those times in my life resulted in my missing so much that glows and sparkles all around me.

I consciously know that I have to train my thoughts to not go back to the times when I had no belief in Something Greater or in myself for that matter. I grasp for the connection to my higher power and remind myself that my purpose here lies in an unseen world. I can choose to sit in the thoughts of turmoil about “what if?” and look at all the horrible events that have occurred and are occurring in our world or I can seek for peace inside myself as I look towards how to take this moment and make it something new.

How do I make the day feel new when I feel so worn and beaten down? The gratitude in what I have today brings me a feeling of love. The feeling of love makes all seem new. I breathe in the air and know that the promises of what Something Greater is doing in my life lies inside the part of me that takes my thoughts and emotions and balances them on the scale of life. This is the part of me that takes my actions and brings me gifts that are promised because of my thoughts that have turned into actions. My faith in those promises will bring me the courage to seek for more because of this faith. The promises will become the gifts that have been spoken of throughout history. My faith in this process will heal me from the inside-out as I prepare for surgery on Tuesday.

“For those of us who choose to travel the path with Something Greater, we will hear the voice inside verify that what we see around us is a result of what we think it is and we will have the choice to acknowledge that it is from Something Greater and that these gifts and messages are there for the awakening on our path to Something Greater.” The Gifts by Lisa Hynes

 

 

The New Story Begins

Today the story is about me. I woke up in the moment of not thinking about the word cancer.  I thanked God for yet another day and remembered my up-coming surgery. As I searched my mind for answers to find peace in my then anxiety-ridden thoughts, I recalled that I am right where I am supposed to be. Acceptance of this thought gave me a calming-effect. I looked towards the sun to see the beginning of a new day. My belief in what I am doing in this body got me out of the bed so I could push forward to create a world of peace around me if only for the day.

The thought that I help others find peace through my experiences helped me forget my own inner struggles. I look for the world that is outside of my every day view to give me purpose as I see much suffering all around me. I look towards the creation of the moment and the magnitude of my presence. As I pondered on this thought, I began to feel a presence all around me that gave me strength to look for something more.

The day was filled with magic as I saw experience after experience that reflected my faith in a day that had a purpose. People brought me messages on my journey through the day and as I pushed aside the fear of this up-coming surgery, I created my heaven for the moment.

The extensions of the God of my understanding did not show up as a lightning bolt. The language of my God came to me through the dragon fly that flew in front of my windshield on my way to work. God came to me in the form of the baby that I saw in the elevator sleeping with not a care in the world. God came to me in the conversation with the stranger that complimented my hair.

Today I found myself in an area of the hospital that I never venture into at the oddest moment and met a woman that I had never seen before. She prayed with me and we both stated that we did not know why we were there at that particular time. I told her what the grace of God meant to me as she said that she was writing about grace in a paper. I don’t remember why she was writing about grace but I told her to read my story called “The Beginning” in my blog if she wanted a story about what the grace of God did for me. I went away from that experience thinking she was there for me yet wondered if I gave her something in return as well.

I was very aware today that all is made from the spirit into physical form and today I experienced it in people.

“You will see the spirit world that brings the rays of the sunshine.  It will start as a feeling and turn into a thought and the window of desperation will open to this world.  The moment will become a connection as you take the knowledge of who you are and blend it with the air.  You will one day grasp the understanding that the path to Something Greater is found in your conscious level of existence that you connect to in an unseen world.”  The Making of the Moment by Lisa Hynes